Interests:living in the light, prayer, lindy, music, people and culture, adventuring, deep ponderings, ecology, reading, anything Japanese, missions, taking random pictures of unsuspecting people ;-), art (both viewing/listening and creating) Expertise:random distractions, "adventures" in My Precious, daydreaming, cooking (at least that's what people seem to think), scheduling (and triple-booking myself) Occupation:Biological Science Technician Industry:Fisheries
Wow, I'm surprised I still remembered my log-in info and all that jazz, and that this all still exists. Anyway, I feel like writing but not in one of my paper journals, so we'll see how this goes.
So, well, first of all. . .hello, Xanga world. Seeing as I'm pretty much out to a good number of my friends and at least some of my family (my parents know but don't approve), and, more importantly for this, because the rest of what I'm going to write about will make a lot more sense with the knowledge of this one detail, I am not straight. Yeah, I know, that's a weird way to say it, but I'm still working on figuring myself out; all I know for sure is that I'm romantically attracted to women and I have dated both men and women. . . .
Having now told that to a good number of people in my life, many of whom are Christians, I've been kind of dreading the day when one of them suggested that my recent troubles with women I've dated over the past year or so is due to God trying to tell me that I'm wrong to be homosexual or to be in homosexual relationships. I know it would be a lot easier for us all if I were not truly attracted to women and therefore I could just choose to live a straight life and marry a guy and have kids with him and all of that. However, I've pondered that, and, although I know I could do that, it would be a denial of who I am and I couldn't live with myself if I went back to pretending the way I did for the first 23-24 years of my life.
That moment I've been dreading finally came yesterday, and, even though I've been dreading it, I didn't have anything good to say in response; I just stated that I didn't want to get into that argument at that time. I know my friends mean well, and I appreciate it, but this was difficult. Especially because to suggest that my relationships with women haven't gone really well due to God's displeasure with homosexual relationships is logic that would appear to say that many of us shouldn't be dating at all because our relationships haven't gone well. I mean, the counsel you would give to a heterosexual person who has been beaten, raped, and abused isn't that the person should pursue homosexual relationships, right? (Side note: the only relationship I've had that I would say hasn't left me feeling permanently scarred was with an atheist; the other people I've dated have all made some sort of claim to Christ and/or Christianity. Does that mean God doesn't want me to date Christians?)
This is especially difficult for me because I know where this person and others who think like that are coming from. I mean, I grew up going to a fairly conservative Christian church. I know what mainstream Christian churches teach about homosexuality and homosexuals. I understand what it's like to be taught things like this such that the ideas become one's own as if they are intrinsically and unshakably right and true. I don't condemn you for trying to "cure" me. . .I just want to say, with compassion and love, that I, as a woman who pursues a relationship with God and who is also romantically attracted to women, do not need your "cure".
I remember this one scene from a video we watched in Sunday School a number of years ago, while I was in college, and it sticks in my mind as what mainstream Christians think (or perhaps thought) of homosexual Christians. The scene depicted this sad person, walking alone on a beach, sky and sea both grey, melancholy music playing in the background. This person was homosexual, and their only choice as a committed Christian who was "incurably" homosexual was to live out the rest of their days sad and alone. I was still a good few years shy of coming out, but this scene really disturbed and disappointed me, and it made me want to stand up and denounce it and those who had made it.
This is not the life I would have chosen for myself, given all the difficulties it causes me to have to face or avoid, but I believe very strongly that I have more choices than to live out my days sad and alone just because I am attracted to other women. I believe I am given the same opportunities to live joyfully true to who I am as any good, devout heterosexual Christian. Yes, I still believe in God and His grace and goodness. I believe in His Word and its truth, although not necessarily the truth of all its translations. And, I know I could be very wrong about this subject and many other things, but I don't believe I have yet read or heard something that proves my thoughts on this subject are wrong.
I have now attended a few churches that are part of a denomination that was started by homosexual Christians. I and others generally refer to churches under this denomination, and similar independent churches, as "gay church", even though not all members are homosexual nor do they present themselves as purely focused on homosexuals. These churches merely welcome homosexuals as any other person and don't teach or preach hostilities towards anyone based on their romantic attractions and subsequent choices in dating and partnerships/marriage.
Another thing a different friend said to me that I found interesting was basically questioning the whole concept of having "gay church" on the basis that we shouldn't be forming our own little subset of life. I don't think I managed to say anything much in response because so many thoughts flooded my mind that I couldn't decide which idea to tackle first. This question makes me think of things like churches and campus fellowships that are made up of people of primarily one race (e.g. Asian American, African American) or other social strata, and Christian music and other media.
I know we have churches that primarily seek to serve people of one group; I grew up attending one such church. It makes sense to me to have a church that primarily serves one group of people because of culture and language and other differences we have in the world. While I look forward to being part of the multitude of people of every tribe and tongue and nation, here and now, on this earth, we people tend to choose to attend churches where we feel like we belong. This sense of belonging manifests itself in diverse ways, one of which is race/ethnicity. I know well the feeling of not belonging at a church, and those are the churches I generally choose not to attend. Why would I attend a church where the feeling of everyone else surreptitiously watching me distracts me from the experience of worshiping God in a communal setting? I have found that I am much more distracted by the heterosexual couple being very obvious about their relationship while sitting in front of me at a church here (a church I was beginning to love but no longer attend due to a sermon expressing clear hostility towards homosexual Christians), than by homosexual couples I've seen sitting together in church but not so obviously focused on each other. I mean, I am not by any means opposed to people who are in a relationship sitting together in church, but some taste and courtesy towards the rest of us is really appreciated. I believe we should all be at church services seeking God as parts of the community, not using it as another place where we can massage and kiss our significant other in public. Hmm. . .I'm getting off track here. . .I guess I should move on. . .
As for the Christian music and other media, I see that as another really apparent subset of things that exists without much question. I have questioned it, but that's mostly because I've realized that, up until a few years ago, I mostly listened to and paid attention to only "Christian music". This term for me included music that would classify in a number of different genres, but I just knew it all under the one term. As I have learned more about music, paid more attention to it, and explored my music library through iTunes, I have noticed that my "Christian music" can be divided up and classified with the rest of my music fairly easily, and it makes more sense to me that way. I don't mean to devalue in any way music that is Christian, I still have a playlist of just my Christian music, but I feel like this is another example of separating out things that don't need to be separated out. Yes, I just compared "gay church" to "Christian music". And then there are Christian books and DVDs, but I think I sufficiently stated my argument already.
And now I think I should go eat something. I haven't been eating enough the past few days. . .averaging two meals a day is not my desired way to get down to my target weight. . .
I'm tired so I probably won't write as much as I'd like to right now, but I still want to get something written tonight. So, last night I went dancing in LA for their Christmas dance and I quite enjoyed it, more so than I was expecting. I mean, I was hoping I would have a good evening, and I didn't really have any reason to think it wouldn't at least be okay, but it was pleasantly surprising in more ways than one. But, anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about. What I wanted to write about is this: somehow dancing seems to make me a different person, one I like much more often than any other person I find myself as.
When I dance, I feel alive. I mean, really alive. I like that feeling. I like how I interact with other people when I feel like that. I like the connection and focus I have when I dance. I like how it makes me feel free. Last night, I remember also thinking and wondering a few times about how I respond to people much differently when I'm dancing than I would otherwise. I mean, some of these people are ones I would probably ignore the first time I saw them if we were in a non-dancing context. Not that I would deliberately snub them, but I just wouldn't be drawn to them or talk with them on my own initiative. However, when I'm out to dance, I talk with people and strive to really connect with them nearly completely regardless of the way I first perceive them. I haven't figured out how to turn off that initial judging part of me, but I've found that that part doesn't have to have the final say on someone. I'm glad for that; I keep finding that the book often should NOT be judged by its cover, and I've been enjoying the read.
So, don't read too much into this (this is just for fun; I don't believe in daemons and all of that). I enjoy taking personality quizzes and stuff like that, and this one allows you to provide further input and possibly change the outcome. I think you just need to click on the icon and then answer a few questions. I promise I'll write something thoughtful and meaningful one of these days. I should write something about my adventures in Arizona sometime...
Okay, I just registered on a dance forum and my first post was a serious question and something that I wanted to vent about, so now I'm going to distract myself from feeling incredibly nervous about that by posting pretty pictures here...
hooray for bonfires at the beach!
No, I'm not a pyro...really, I'm not. I just like fire...and fireworks. However, I have problems lighting matches, so I think that disqualifies me from being a pyro.
So, I am home from dancing and waiting for the dishwasher to finish running so I can take a shower. I would just go to sleep dirty, but I washed my sheets today and it seems very wrong to do that tonight. I know, you didn't need to know that. Anyway, dancing has been making me think quite a bit about my ego lately. It's interesting to me how I love dancing and all but sometimes I don't like who I am when I'm out dancing. I was thinking last Friday about how I'm afraid I've become one of those dance snobs who is a pain to dance with for some people. I really, really try to be nice and smile and all of that, but I don't always smile now like I used to. I know I've improved in the past year or so, and it's nice to have lots of people come and talk to me and compliment me on my dancing, but I don't want to be one of those really good dancers who refuses to dance with less-skilled/experienced dancers or makes them feel like I'm doing them a huge favor by dancing with them. It's hard for me to smile when I'm dancing with leads who really don't lead very clearly at all or who HURT me. I tried to be nice to him tonight, but that was mostly because I figured it was at least partially my fault that my shoulder got wrenched. However, I'm not sure how I could have averted the problem...I mean, I may have turned in a bit too fast, but I don't know why he decided to try to force me to change directions so quickly. I hate to be like this, but I don't think I should dance with him again. Of course, I'm still going to have to dance with him in class, but I can turn him down when I'm out dancing socially. I feel so guilty and terrible when I turn people down, or 'hide' from them, but sometimes it seems like I have no other reasonable course of action. Then I wonder if my ego is getting the best of me and causing me to snub certain people just because they aren't very good dancers or for some other subjective reason. I try to keep my head out of the clouds, though, by limiting the amount of times I ask the same guys to dance and by dancing with the guys who seem to be shy or not dancing much for some other reason. I think I've learned how to take a 'no' more gracefully when I ask a guy to dance, and I think I've gotten over being perturbed when someone seems to be avoiding me. I guess enough people dance here that I don't have to worry about running out of leads to dance with. Anyway, back to the dance ego...so, I don't think I snub people purely based on their inexperience or lack of skill but I still wonder about that sometimes. The part of my dance ego that has been slowly wearing down is the part that HATES being corrected and criticised. I think it was harder in some ways when the lead was not really leading me clearly enough for me to respond properly, but it's harder in other ways when the lead is really clear and good and patience and I just am not following physically nor mentally. However, now I am actually learning since I admire the latter lead enough that I listen to what he says and think about it rather than just blowing him off and being stubborn about it. It's still a bit annoying when I get corrected or criticised, but it's not as bad since he's proven to me that he knows what he's talking about and, if I make the corrections he suggests, it works out quite beautifully. I suppose I'm almost ready to learn some more about submission...it's hard to imagine doing something even when I don't agree, but that's something from the women's retreat that I really liked. With that as the definition of submission (obeying despite disagreeing) I don't think I've ever truly been submissive although I may have come close. Anyway, yeah, that's my dance ego at work. I require the corrector to be near-perfect in every way before I will even listen for long stretches of time. However, some people don't have to say anything and I just know I'm doing something wrong. I don't know how they are that patient with me, but I like that situation much better. I suppose I wouldn't learn as much nor as well if everyone were like that, though. Some things are best learned through struggles and striving. I think I'm done here now; I keep catching myself starting to ramble off in random directions so I'll go shower and sleep now. And take tylenol; I hurt: back, wrenched shoulder, calves, shins, feet, ankles, knees. But, yes, good night all!
I promise I'll write something thoughtful and meaningful one of these days. I should write something about my adventures in Arizona sometime...
